never fully fell asleep last night. almost got there a few times...but yeah, no. my stomach was bothering me, i had a little bit of a dehydration headache, maybe...unfortunately, not sleeping for those 6 hours left quite a span of time for any and all thoughts which had been bubbling around in this crazy brain to pull their disappearing/re-appearing ink tricks on me. hey, this is weird...no, no it's not...well...no, no, no...you know the drill. back and forth, self-doubt and then self-soothing. oh, shit, i fucked up! no, you didn't, silly girl, you're just fine...
i gave up around 7 and came out to the living room to smoke a bowl. i watched the end of Up and now i'm watching Mrs. Doubtfire. when i was 10, my sister and i were on a flight from Philly back home to L.A., and we sat next to the kid who plays the son in this movie, Matthew Lawrence. yes, that's right, Joey Lawrence' little brother. their whole family was on the flight. i must have gotten up to go to the bathroom 10 times, so that i could scoot past Matthew and flirt. oh, dude, i was totally over Joey from Blossom, fuck thaT. i was into the brother...anyways, after we landed, the older gentleman who'd been sitting across the aisle told my mom and stepfather that he thought i had bladder problems. i went outside and The Lawrence Family was out there, too, waiting for their car. i noticed that Matthew was holding the leash on a golden retriever: their pup had traveled with them, under the plane in one of those crates for 5 hours. i mean, i've always had a way with animals...i love them, they love me, it rules...so this dog takes one look at me and starts pulling towards me, and the kid looks up and smiles when he sees another kid standing there, albeit a girl wearing a matching sailor-inspired outfit, and starts walking over. i remember that being a 'holy shit' moment, like the ones we grown women have now when the man we want shows interest...i was 10. he said hi and introduced himself and his the dog (can't remember his name, sad face), and after i pet him for a bit, both of our families were ready to peace. i don't know if he was in any other big movies besides Mrs. Doubtfire. i bet his creepy brother ruined his career for him when he tried to put out a record.
yesterday, i participated in a slip 'n slide competition at a lakehouse with a bunch of people i don't know and was in fact the weakest link of my team due to my attire: jean shorts do not slide well, nor are they slippery. i was ill-prepared for such activity, and completely out of my element, yet i could not say no. i wasn't going to back down from a challenge, even a totally ridiculous one. this is definitely new. gone are the days of my graceful bowing out; the Yadira of today says yes. she may be scared but that's no reason not to try. i'm less and less afraid of failure and more focused on the learning part...people are a distraction. being sensitive to them is a distraction but a necessary one. i think i'm ok with that. today i am, anyway.
so i'm pushing this 20" bike, until my legs give out. and i'm pushing this huge heart to the limit, finding there isn't one that i can't overcome. try and stop me.