24 April 2010
successes come in many forms. little victories are everywhere, left unnoticed by people who can't recognize them as such. they are often called failures, because the desired outcome or goal wasn't reached, and so they are discarded. disregarded. chalked up to twists of fate, or deceptions by other humans. they litter the streets of our cities: broken hearts, unattainable dream occupations, lost puppies. we don't like to think about them. but, it is my opinion that we should proclaim them, we should own them and celebrate them for what they truly are - points of growth and self-discovery.
i've learned to enjoy making people uncomfortable. i will do/say/write a song about something purely because my heart tells me to, and watch the cringing faces of my friends and family slowly relax into expressions of acceptance with pride for them and the evolution of their understanding. somehow, i've realized that this is part of my purpose. we are all reflections of each other. what makes me worry about you is only what i worry about for myself, otherwise i wouldn't feel compelled to judge your situation, right? what the fuck do i know about how you feel? we're only Facebook friends. i'm learning to break this barrier with people, and the moment of truth comes when, after all the gory details of the story, i smile and tell you how thankful i am for the experience of whatever pain, embarrassment, or confusion i felt because of the outcome.
i'm also fully realizing that every moment leads to another, and learning how to trust this process without over-thinking and missing the beauty of all the details between Start and Finish. i find beauty in almost anything: men, women, children, animals, technology, garbage, French Toast, quantum physics, my retail job. walking from my front door to my car this morning, i could smell Texas, and man oh man, that is a beautiful thing to notice. i won't miss a single thing on this journey.
this week, i was victorious. there would be no pot of gold at the end of this rainbow, no happy ending in sight. everything on the surface unraveled as soon as i pulled that tiny hanging string.
let's face it, i tend to cut to the chase.
i don't have time to beat around the bush (pun definitely intended), and sometimes love/lust/attraction/whateverthefuck it's called these days fades quicker than the afterglow of all those orgasms. can't really bullshit a bullshitter, or a recovered bullshitter for that matter...but beyond all the typical expectations one may have of an adventure such as this, i consider my little vacation a complete and utter success. i felt so many different emotions, had some powerful conversations, and came home feeling incredible about me. i don't know that i've ever really known my self-worth until this week, and it is my intent to feel this sense of renewal every week, or as often as is possible.
i know i won't always. i know that will stumble, get hurt, bleed a bit. but, i heal quickly.